At some point, sisterhood has to mean respecting women we’ve never met.
There are some conversations women have been having forever. Usually around somebody’s kitchen table, over brunch, or late at night on the phone when a girlfriend begins with, “Girl, don’t judge me, but…” This is one of those conversations. He’s handsome. He’s attentive. He makes you laugh. He says the right things, and maybe he makes you feel seen in a way you haven’t felt seen in years. There’s just one problem: he’s married.
Before we start talking about chemistry, loneliness, connection, soulmates, or how complicated his marriage supposedly is, there is something we need to remember. There is another woman in this story. You may never have met her. You may not know her name, and you may not know anything about her life. But she exists. And as women, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether we owe some measure of respect and consideration only to the women we personally know, or whether sisterhood should extend to the woman whose face we may never see.
Now, let’s be clear about something from the beginning. When a married man cheats, he is responsible for his infidelity. He is the person who made vows to his wife. He is responsible for honoring those vows, and if he chooses to violate them, that is his decision. Women have been blamed for men’s infidelity for far too long while the man who made the commitment somehow escapes much of the accountability. Girl Code isn’t about doing that. His marriage is his responsibility. His behavior is his responsibility. His betrayal is his responsibility. But, Sis, your choices are still your responsibility.
If you knowingly become involved with a married man, there is a decision being made on your side of the relationship too. Maybe he tells you that his marriage has been over for years. Maybe he says they sleep in separate rooms. Maybe he tells you she doesn’t understand him, they never have sex, they constantly argue, or he is only staying because of the children. Perhaps some of it is true. Perhaps all of it is true. But here is the good news: you don’t have to figure it out. You don’t need to investigate their marriage or determine which spouse is right. You only need to ask one question: “Are you still married?” If the answer is yes, your response can simply be, “Then handle your marriage, and if you become single, we can talk.”
There is power in a woman who understands that she doesn’t have to accept every invitation extended to her. Every man who desires you does not deserve access to you, and every situation that feels good is not necessarily good for you. Sometimes maturity looks less like a dramatic confrontation and more like a quiet boundary: “I don’t date married men.” No competition with his wife. No audition to prove that you understand him better than she does. No secret relationship while waiting for him to make a decision. Just a boundary.
Think about it another way. What if the wife were your sister? What if she were your daughter, your mother, or your best friend? Imagine her calling you in tears because she discovered messages on her husband’s phone. Imagine watching her question her marriage, her worth, her memories, and everything she believed was secure. Would you still believe the woman who knowingly participated had absolutely nothing to do with the situation? Most of us would probably see it differently when the person being hurt was someone we loved. Maybe Girl Code requires us to extend some of that same compassion to women whose names we don’t know. She may be a stranger to you, but she is still somebody’s sister.
There is an argument we hear frequently: “If it wasn’t me, he would have found somebody else.” Maybe he would have. A woman cannot prevent a man who is determined to cheat from continuing to look for someone willing to participate. But there is another truth worth considering: it didn’t have to be you. You cannot control his decisions, but you can decide that when a married man approaches you, he will encounter a woman who says no. Imagine if more women simply refused. “No, you’re married.” “Handle your situation first.” “Call me when the divorce is final.” Would that eliminate infidelity? Of course not. People are responsible for their own behavior. But it would mean more women refusing to knowingly participate in another woman’s betrayal.
This is where all our conversations about sisterhood become more meaningful. We say women should support women. We encourage one another to straighten another woman’s crown. We celebrate Black women winning and remind each other that there is room for all of us. But sisterhood is easy when it costs us nothing. The real test comes when respecting another woman requires us to walk away from something—or someone—we want. Can I respect a woman I have never met enough to say, “I will not knowingly become part of something that may devastate her”? That is a much deeper expression of sisterhood than a social-media quote.
There is also another woman in this situation who deserves consideration: you. You deserve more than somebody else’s husband. You deserve weekends, holidays, birthdays and vacations. You deserve to call the person you love without first asking whether it is safe to talk. You deserve photographs that don’t have to be hidden, text messages that don’t have to be deleted and dinners where neither of you is looking over your shoulder. You deserve a relationship that can exist in daylight. You deserve someone who is emotionally and legally available to choose you without another woman being deceived in the process.
If his marriage is truly over, let him end it. Let him separate, file for divorce, complete the process, heal from the relationship and become genuinely available. If the connection between the two of you is everything he says it is, it can survive long enough for him to do things in the proper order. What you don’t have to do is spend years sitting in somebody else’s waiting room while a married man repeatedly tells you, “I’m going to leave her.” Too many women have surrendered years to that promise only to discover that five Christmases later, he is still married and they are still waiting.
And while we are talking, let’s stop automatically turning the wife into the enemy. She may be described to you as cold, difficult, controlling, unloving or uninterested, but remember who may be providing that description. You are hearing one person’s version of a marriage you have never lived inside. You don’t know what she has endured, what she has forgiven, what promises have been made to her, or what conversations have taken place behind their closed doors. You also don’t know what version of your story the same man might someday tell another woman.
Maybe Girl Code isn’t really about a collection of cute rules women are supposed to follow. Maybe it is about character. Maybe it is about deciding who we want to be when nobody is forcing us to make the honorable choice. Another woman does not have to be our friend before her feelings matter. We don’t have to know her personally to decide that her pain will not knowingly become the price of our pleasure.
Men are responsible for whether they honor their marriages. Women are not the guardians of men’s vows, and we should never pretend otherwise. But we are responsible for the choices we make when a married man comes knocking. We have the right—and the power—to say no.
So when he slides into your DM, sends the late-night text, tells you his wife doesn’t understand him, or whispers that he has never connected with anyone the way he connects with you, remember something: you don’t need to compete with another woman for a man who isn’t available in the first place.
You can simply smile and say, “Sis has a husband. And I don’t want him.”
Because respecting another woman doesn’t diminish you.
It says something about you.
And, Sis, that’s Girl Code.
Written by Charmaine E Moss
